Child-like Faith

When I was younger the scariest things to me were spiders, dark movies, and roller coasters. but I knew God wouldn't let them hurt me. I had faith.

As I get older I see the pain all around. Cancer,Strokes, AIDS, Starvation, Death. People I know and people I don't are all effected by this pain. It breaks my heart to watch someone lose their mom, because my mom is my best friend. When Elizabeth passed I couldn't even imagine the hurt going on in that school. But the thing about Mrs. Miller and Elizabeth is that even though the are gone, they touched so many people. And it seems that through their death, even though I did not really know them, they have impacted my life.

I put Elizabeth's quotes up in my room. I read them each day, and each day I'm inspired to live life the the fullest. I've been reading the Lane Ann blog. Her pure love for Jesus was so clear. I want to be like both of these beautiful angels.

My Great-Grandmother has had two strokes recently... the don't expect her to recover. On Idol last night they showed videos from Africa. There was this precious little seven year old girl who weighed as much as a one year old. She was dying from AIDS, Malaria, and she was HIV positive. I just stopped the show. Tears flowing from my eyes. I lifted her up in prayer. Along with Lane Ann. After a while, I started it again. The next thing I saw was that little girl... she was healed. GOD had healed her.

So God does heal. I have no doubt about that. I think sometimes God loves us so much that He just wants us right then. As hard as death is... I truly believe that there is a reason for it all. I have faith. Faith that He knows what is best. I have child-like faith.

Walk the Talk

I was reading my bible last night and this verse just jumped out at me. The verse was James 3:13, "Do you want to be counted as wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here's what to do:Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It's the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts."

And it just hit me. I say that I trust Him. I say that it is all up to Him and I have faith in that. Yet, I'm jealous, mad, hurt, upset, all the things that I shouldn't be. Especially because I trust in Him, to let it happen in HIS time. It's so easy to say that I will trust in Him with my everything. But when I say that, and then let these feelings ruin my day, I'm not really trusting at all. And I want to. I want to be completely okay with everything. But I'm not.

I never knew I was such a jealous person. I hate it. I get so jealous over something so minor. I think that is because I want something that I feel like I should have... and so I shouldn't have to share. But I don't have it. And if God wanted me to have that thing, I would. So now just isn't the time for me. PLUS when I think I deserve something, then I'm being selfish and prideful.

If I would just trust Him like I say I do, I mean REALLY trust in Him, then maybe I wouldn't have to fight these negative emotions. So I'm gonna start walking the talk. What about you?

Change

I dont think this post will be one train of thought, for my brain is all mixed up right now.

I do not understand life. I do not understand peoples choice's in how they handle life. I wish I did, but it is not my place to understand. I guess it just hurts too much to try to understand it. Maybe I care too much. Maybe I think too much, (which is highly possible).

Why are people so self-centered? Why would you hurt the people you love? There are so many questions that can go unanswered. It just isn't fair. I wish I could see the reasons...

Why would someone be hypocrite? Why would you choose anything or the people who love you?

People change. You never know how much, until you really see the person they have become. I have watched a few of my dear friends change before my eyes. Some for the better, others.... not so much. Its a shame. I hate watching someone say one thing than do another. Or just not give a care about God or friends. I'm not sure which irritates me more...

The worst thing is, you know they were raised better. And they choose to change. To become something that we used to make fun of and detest together. It just breaks my heart.

And what about the people they hurt while they go through this metamorphosis? Do they care? They used to. They used to care a lot. What a shame that they changed...

Faith,Trust, and Roller-Coasters

Why is trust so very hard for us? What is it about it that makes it seem impossible at times?

Why can't I just trust that it will all work out?

I have always thought that trust and faith go hand-in-hand. Faith is believing in something you cannot see, but trusting that its there. Trust is having faith that it will work out. So simple. No physical labor is involved, but emotionally? Now thats another story.

If you trust someone, they could let you down. If you don't trust them, then you're alone. So which is worse. Being alone sucks. So I guess the only choice is to trust. Even when its difficult.

I hate not knowing what is coming. I don't like being in the dark, because who knows what I could run into. I think thats why its hard for me to have faith and trust. For the reason that I just don't know what is out there.

But isn't that what Christ asks of us? To trust. I have faith God is there. There isn't a doubt in my mind about that. I know He will get me through whatever He brings me to. Its just the whole unknown thing... I don't know where I will go to college, or what I want to do. Who I will marry or where I will live. I don't know what challenges lie ahead.

Thats a scary thought. Its like riding a roller-coaster for the first time. You get in, tighten the safety harness, start up the incline, and trust that you aren't about to die. Sure you're scared, but you are secure in the fact that the maker of the coaster wouldn't do anything to harm you, thus the harness.

Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get on my coaster, buckle up, go around the curves and trust that the Maker only wants the very best for me. :)

Courage

The past few books I have read have been about military relationships and that sort of thing... I just have to say, those of you who are dating or married to someone in the military: you are amazing. The strength and courage that takes is amazing. The faith and trust it takes is unreal. I don't know how you do it.

My good friend just recently told me that he is thinking of going into the Air Force. When he told me, my heart sort of stopped beating. I have always been scared of losing a loved one to the military. I don't think its wrong, I'm thankful for what they do, it just scares me.... Its one of my biggest fears. So I had to stop and think when he told me this. Do I want him to be happy? Well, of course I do, I love the guy. Do I want him to get hurt? Heck no! Then came this thought: Do I trust God? Yeah, I do. So even though he is still unsure about his decision, I'm sure of mine. I will trust the Lord to keep him safe.

I know this situation isn't a huge deal or even a possibility, but that scares me still. So I pray that no matter what happens, I will have courage through the Lord.

On My Knees

I usually just write these things down on my own private computer, where no one can see. I never thought I would start a blog... I'm not sure why, I just didn't. But talking about how I feel, writing it down is just part of who I am. So here it goes:

So many times I get discouraged, I cry. I get mad that I can't seem to do anything right. I feel alone when I know I'm not. I try to stay happy all the time. But I just can't do that. I cannot act like those words didn't sting or this rejection didn't cut me deep. Its at this point, my breaking point, that I fall on my knees. I find that you're at a better place to worship if you're already down.

I love my God. He is my Savior, my Comforter, my Strong Tower, and all I need. Though up until last year I hadn't really experienced the absolute fire burning for Him. M-Fuge camp changed my life. I firmly believe that. It broke me. And you cannot get what is better until you see what is wrong. M-Fuge showed me that. I was never a drinker or a druggie or a slut(Im still not) but I was not living my life for His Glory and now thats what I strive for. To be the bigger person, if that means I need to sacrifice my pride, then so be it. I'm willing. Worship songs bring tears into my eyes because now I know just how AMAZING and freeing His love can be.

Now, here I am. Living my life for Him. When its hard, when I want to break down, I let those tears fall. And praise His wonderful name since He is there to catch them.